These days it seems there are so many different ‘syndromes’ that spring up all the time from apparently nowhere often by the medical profession to categorize specific ‘conditions’ that people can suffer. Never one to back down from a challenge I thought I would come up with one of my own to explain a common complaint that most of us have from time to time. It’s one I have suffered from personally in the past and still have to check myself regularly to avoid falling into its seductive trap again, and it’s one I suspect will resonate with many of you who have taken the time and trouble to read this article. I call it the ‘Spotlight’ syndrome, because we tend to look in the wrong place to find the answer or solution to a problem.
Allow me to explain…
When faced with a problem, the tendency for most of us is to look for the solution where it seems likely to be. It’s usually where everyone else is looking, and ‘lit-up’ in bright lights by being well broadcasted and talked about. It is well directed and signposted. Made tantalising and seductive by the media and marketing gurus, where we are persuaded, influenced and inevitably compelled to buy the latest gimmick, gizmo, product or service that will undoubtedly bring us deep joy and happiness, changing our lives for the better and certainly offering an easy, effortless and even painless way out of the difficulties, problems or challenges we face. Or at least that’s what we are led to believe.
Unfortunately, what happens on a lot of occasions we don’t find the answers we were looking for in this arena (largely because they are not there). And even if we do get some reprieve or pleasure it never lasts for long and sometimes we can even end up with more problems. Yet this doesn’t seem to stop us to keep trying – going to the same places even though the reality is that we will still get the same results… and will continue to do so for if we keep doing the same thing we will keep getting the same thing.
This creates a merry-go-round of endless searching and struggling with the problem with no end in sight.
Take smoking for example. As a psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist I have helped over the years many people to quit smoking, and the principle I have outlined above is one of the main reasons why many people find it hard to stop. They are stuck on an endless merry-go-round of quitting, only to start again because whatever they thought would provide the solution, hasn’t. They’ve read and applied all the stop smoking tips and advice, maybe even frightened themselves by reading up about all the bad things smoking does to them. They’ve tried the ‘cold turkey’ approach and only ended up feeling ‘weak willed’ and even talked to their GP. They’ve sought help, advice, NRT (nicotine replacement therapies), e-cigs, and prescription drugs, yet for many people they still haven’t found what they were looking for…
If you think that’s bad enough, things usually get worse, for with each ‘failure’ comes with a bombardment of emotions that sabotages any beliefs that the person has of success, taking away any possibility or hope of change, until they feel desperate enough to try again.
One person I worked with described his failed attempts at quitting smoking as ‘another nail in the coffin’.
The trouble is that most people focus too much on the problem. Their thinking is all about the problem. They try too hard and because of this their thoughts are consumed with dealing with ‘the problem’. Our emotions mirror 100% what we think about, so it doesn’t take a degree in rocket science to realise that those negative emotions come from those thoughts creating even more stress. Hence a vicious cycle.
Our thoughts also trigger what we do. So if you are constantly saying to others ‘I’m trying hard not to smoke’ or other similar statements – you are focusing on the struggle of quitting (the problem) rather than the solution. And what we focus on is what we get. More problems.
So where do we find the solution.
The first thing is to know what it is that you are looking for.
For the smoker it is to relieve boredom, or stress, or to feel a moments pleasure. To feel approval and a sense of belonging. It can be a whole gamut of reasons, but the truth is it is never about the cigarettes and the reality is that cigarettes will never provide these those things that you want, even if you believe they will – the experience of pleasure is fleeting and short-lived before the pressure is on again and the need comes to have another.
Spotlight syndrome is when we believe that the answer or the things that we want are in the places where we’ve been taught to look, and that is outside of us. The smoker has learned to look for happiness and security in cigarettes, the comfort eater in food, the shopaholic in retail stores, the workaholic in work. The list goes on. Possessions, money, fame and fortune will never make you happy. They might bring momentary pleasure but true lasting happiness and well-being comes from within, despite the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Despite what we’ve been taught to think solution can never be found from outside of us. Change always happens inside-out. It is the way life works and we are stuck with it. So no matter how something might seem to be the answer to your problem, the reality is that it will only be temporary as long-term change comes from inside of us.
You only have to look at the ‘I’ll be happy club’ or the ‘I won’t be happy until…’ club to find prove that happiness, peace of mind and well-being doesn’t come from external so-called solutions. This is because security cannot be found in external things… security, real security can only come from the inside of us… not from however many cigarettes you smoke, or even how much money you have… you can be the richest man on earth, yet feel insecure…
Many people put their trust in external things like money, pensions etc…because it all looks like it will give them that sense of security, but particularly in these times of recession we all know that it can be taken away just like that…
For many years I believed that I was unhappy because of things that others around me were doing or not doing. I blamed my misery on my husband, at times even my children and anyone else that crossed my path. Everything was their fault and I thought if only they could be different. If only they would consider me more, or help me more, then I would be happy. In reality it was my thoughts that were making me miserable, not them.
Let’s take smoking for example. Let’s assume for a moment that a smoker might think that the thought that “cigarettes bring peace”. A cigarette will reduce their anxiety. They are thinking that an external thing – a cigarette, will give them what they are looking for. The reality is that it doesn’t. There may be a temporary pleasure whilst they smoke the cigarette, but before long they are back craving another. Despite what they think, cigarettes will never give them a permanent sense of security or peace of mind.
If you take one thing from reading this article today, take the possibility that maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong places for the solutions that you seek. Instead of looking ‘out there’ for quick-fix answers, work on change from within. You won’t be disappointed because when you make changes on the inside, they grow and reflect to the outside and your life will change as a result. Permanently for the better…
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